Passing time burdens my heart.
I hate how fast time moves. Hours, days, months, years...how quickly they pass and are gone forever. My kids grow way too fast and I hate it. My heart holds a lingering sadness for the sweet moments with my children that disappear; especially when I didn't even realize the last time was over.
I recently read this post (on The Wiegand's blog) that articulated how I felt. She talked about how so many last times have slipped through her fingers without the realization that the moment was forever gone. Like, the last time she held her oldest on her hip. At one point she put her oldest son down and didn't pick him up again.
I also can't remember some of the last times with my boys. Moments that I didn't realize I would never do again.
I can't remember the last time my oldest son kissed me on the lips. At some point he turned his head when I went to kiss him and that is how it has been ever since.
I can't remember the last time my middle son asked me to snuggle with him to help him fall asleep. He used to ask me every night, then it became more sporadic until he stopped asking. The last time he asked came and went and I didn't realize it was the last time.
My baby. I can't remember the last time I held him as an infant all balled up on my chest. At some point he grew too big and stretched out his legs and that moment was over.
My brain searches for perspective and I ask myself, what was biggest my dream? Of all my dreams in life, I wanted most to be a wife and mom. To fully experience a dream you have to experience every aspect of it, the joy and the pain. Without the fear, you can't experience the courage. Pain and hardship can stir in you a deep and different kind of love and compassion. The top is made more beautiful by the challenge of the climb. Loss can create a greater appreciation for what we have.
To fully experience motherhood and to truly understand what it means to be a mom, I have to experience it in its entirety. As much as we might hate the pains of motherhood, they can bless us just as much as they burden us. The challenges can make us strong, wise, courageous, and full of love and grace and compassion. The joys and the pain in motherhood has grown my heart and I like the change I see in me.
And in my search for perspective, my head tells my heart that what I really long for is not so much that my kids stay little forever, but is that the love and beautiful connection we share last forever. It can. Of course, it can.
Because, I still have those sweet moments with my boys that connect us...they are just different.
My oldest sauntering into the kitchen with a slightly puffed out chest and pride on his face the first time he put on his full football gear. He lingered near for me to notice and declare how big and strong he looked.
My middle son wakes before his brothers, comes downstairs and asks me to play Clue with him.
My youngest runs to me bursting with excitement to proudly show me the frog he caught.
The precious moments still exist. The connection and love is still there...they have just grown up with my children. And I know that someday, I will look back and realize how precious the moments I am experiencing right now were. The sadness I feel because of moments lost help me better enjoy the moments I have right now.
The hope in these thoughts shine brighter than the lingering sadness. God surrounds me and loves me through these encouraging thoughts.
Once again - in my life - God wins.